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Have you ever had questions about the opposite sex that were never answered? Do you feel your skills as a partner and as a lover could use a refresher course? How about love and commitment? Does the thought of love alone make your skin crawl? Or do you look for it every chance you get? Have you been dateless for a while? Well, perhaps this section just might give you some insight.
I have always been the relationship coach for my friends and co-workers. This just so happens to also be my field of study In college. So hopefully my life skills combined with my education and the advice of other relationship advisors will prove useful to anyone out there. I am not a professional yet, so this page is a composition of advice from many valuable sources and some from yours truly. If you have any insight of your own, please feel free to send it along. Please keep it positive though! The goal of this site is to keep plenty of positive energy in our lives to counteract all the negative we face everyday.
Good luck to you all in your love endeavors. Hope this will help.

Have a question for me? I would be happy to answer it!

Email LaKira !!!

The Need to Know

11/02/06

Lakira,
I have been reading your articles and advice for about a year now. I agree with much of what you write about but I'm curious about this last article "She Dreams in Digital". Do you really believe that on-line dating is a good thing? Would you yourself ever consider it? I cant wrap my mind around such a concept. Enlighten me
-Jordan, Boston

Jordan,
First of all, thank you! It is nice to see that my writing skills are proving useful. In answer to your first question, I can say that I have seen both sides of the coin so to speak. As with any venue of dating, there are always risks and failures. I believe online dating is a bit more intense in that it is a connection of the minds, not just two physical bodies. It eliminates some of the pressures of physical attraction and expectations when you first meet and allows a person the time needed to get to know them for what's inside- before the physical comes into play. Most of us know that we are pre-wired to make first-impression judgments and that those involve physical attraction. But if you have ever had a friend that you suddenly realize your attracted to, you know what I am talking about. I also believe that the internet has given us more options then ever before. We have a much bigger pool to fish in now. But just as I feel that it has its benefits, there are also great risks. I speak about some of these in my blog, which can refer to any form of relationship, including friendship. When getting to know someone via the internet, you don't get the visual cues of body language or the tones in their voice. Misunderstandings are very common when you read text and one must learn to be cautious of this factor. You can't always see a joke or a bad temper through writing. You also have to trust that the person on the other end is being honest with you. This is difficult to do and isn't always the case.
I know of several couples that have explored the online dating world and took it to the next step- meeting in person. My brother is one of those people. He met his fiancé online and they took their time getting to know each other. Eventually he moved to California to be with her. They are now planning to marry this summer and have been together for several years! He tells me that she is the best thing that ever happened to him. I attribute that to the mind-mind connection they formed before meeting in person. I can also account another relationship where a couple met via online gaming. After a long friendship, they finally started dating and now live together as well. Both are very happy with each other. Sadly though, not every story has a happy ending and I know that many relationships fail as well. One girl I knew had been dating another woman online for over a year and when it finally came time for them to meet in real life, the other person disappeared. She later found out that she was really a he. I also hear of stories where the person dates for a long while only to find out that the other person was married and had no intentions of a real relationship.
If we live in fear of these negative potentials though, we limit ourselves from the true potential to find love. You ask me if I would ever consider it. The answer is yes, I would- and have. I am a pretty open-minded person, especially when it comes to love. I have learned to never close myself off to possibilities, lest I miss an opportunity! Is it my preferred method of dating? Absolutely not. Does it scare me a little? Absolutely. But where is the fun in keeping safe all the time?
~LaKira

She Dreams In Digital
In a world where we must face the bitter truths of life we all seek solstice in some form or another. For some, it's a peaceful cabin in the woods or hiding in your bedroom with the music blaring. For others it is burying themselves in the bottle or in a hobby. Well thanks to modern technology, we can now live a Second Life (SL) in a place where there is no death or illness and you can look just about any way you want. And it doesn't stop there. You can own your own island, build a mansion or your own empire if you prefer, and you can even find sex and love.

Let me start you off with a simple fact- the most powerful and important sex organ is the brain. Yes, I said the brain! Here is another little tidbit for you- the strongest connections between two people are based on communication and compatibility of minds. With that in mind, remove the physical barriers of the real world and wow the possibilities! Now, keep in mind that even in SL you will still find the wannabe players, sex fanatics, and the smooth talking heart-beakers. Such is life. But when you are able to find the rare few that make your head spin and your cheeks hurt, count on feeling something real. Despite the fantasy world that surrounds you and the avatar you and your partner have created, you can't escape the fact that it is still a real person behind it all. It is not the preloaded scripts of a video game but a human being with real emotions and a real personality that is manipulating it. But the good news is when you meet that person that wow's you, the possibilities are endless!

After interviewing several people from all walks of life, ages, and backgrounds, I found the same response from each of them. "Nachtwlf", a 50 year old retired army medic, said it best. "We are all watching cartoons. The real sex/love happens here in the words- mind to mind, we touch. We create this little universe on the screen together, it can be intense. Sex without the mind is just friction. Here you have sex in the mind."

So if you decide to step inside the world of SL dating, realize that to some its all about fulfilling a fantasy, running from real life problems, or simply a fun computer game. To others it is a new way of connecting with people they may have never known otherwise and are open to/looking for love. It is wise to make your boundaries clear to yourself and to your potential partner to eliminate the possibility for future confusion and heartache. Is it simply role play or is it true romance you seek? Once you have that determined, you are well on your way to an intense and exciting romance. Best of luck! ~LaKira

Freud’s Idea of Mental Health & Emotional Maturity
Although Freud had some very kooky notions about why we are who we are and had some very sexist ideas (i.e. penis envy), Freud’s ideas and theories form some of the most useful foundations for psychology today. Everyday people use Freudian ideas and theories regularly, even though many are unaware that they are doing so. How often do you hear someone attempt to explain a person’s personality by analyzing their childhood experiences? How often do you hear the expression “a slip of the tongue” or a “Freudian slip”? These are all based on Freudian theories and are extremely common in our culture. Fact is, Freud gave us some very useful tools to help us understand the human mind and to find out just why we are- US.
One of the things Freud believed is that emotional maturity was achieved when a person learned to balance love and work. A mature person has learned that it is important to love and care for his/her partner and family and has found his/her niche as a productive member of society. To attain just one was to be emotionally immature and incomplete. It would seem that Freud was on to something here. Ask most people in their later years if they are content with how they lived their life and the answer is usually no- if they did not have that balance. Their soul longs for the other part that they were missing. If a person had achieved a balance in both love and work, they are more apt to reply yes. So what does this tell us? It says that if we are to find true happiness in life, we need to resist that urge to become a workaholic and to focus on the formation and maintenance of our family equally. It also tells us that if we have a tendency to put our family’s needs ahead of our own all of the time, we will not maintain a balance either. Moderation is the key. Another thing to remember is that love does not just for someone else. You must love yourself as well.
Ask yourself how well you keep these balanced. Do you find yourself working all the time? Do you often here your partner request more time with you? Do you lack love in your life? Do you find that you have little time for yourself? If you answered yes to any of these, then perhaps your emotional balance is off. If Freud were to analyze you, he would probably recommend that you consider spending more time with your family, limiting the amount of time you spend working, and make time to enjoy the things you love to do. Now let me ask you this. Do you focus all of your energy and attention on your family and their needs? Does your sense of self tend to fade in the background because you are worried about everyone else in your life? Do you long to go out and get that job that you earned a degree for? If the answer is yes to these, then you may also be off balance, my friend. Freud would tell you to consider finding a hobby that you enjoy, a job that you like, and try to maintain a life outside of your family. We do our family no good if we exhaust ourselves. We can also smother them and leave them with no room to breathe or find their own way in life. The one thing that stays consistent in our lives is ourselves. We can not count on anyone else to remain with us forever. Therefore we must find love within.
Let me offer some examples. I know a woman in her 50’s that wrapped her entire life around her children and her husband. When the day came that her last child left the house and her marriage had deteriorated, she was devastated because she was left with nothing. Her entire life was her family. She struggles now to find herself and the meaning of it all. She is filled with sadness and depression. At the other end of the spectrum, I know a man who is now in his 70’s and spent his life working on his career. He had married only once and it had failed because he didn’t spend enough time with his family. His children are all grown and he has no relationship with them. Now that he is retired, he is left all alone. No partner to share his life with, no children to care for him when he falls ill, and not many friends that he can enjoy activities with. He is lonely and jaded.
It is never too late to make changes in your life, to build a new friendship, to learn to care for others, or to find something you love to do. I share this knowledge with you all because some of you have expressed a desire for that missing link in your emails to me. I hope this helps.
LaKira

“I’m the queen of my heart. As queen, I expect to be treated with respect. In my realm, I will only allow people who value and appreciate me. No one will raise his hand up to me. I will not allow anyone who lies or cheats to live in my queendom. Those who break the rules will be punished by banishment, or I will pick up my queendom and move it someplace out of their reach. Crap, baggage and garbage will be swiftly discarded, lest my queendom become stinky. I will only give my precious heart to someone who can demonstrate he can take care of it the way I do: with care, respect, understanding and appreciation. And I will ALWAYS lead by example.” By Michele Hickford

I found this on Ediets and it really hit home for some of my readers. I get emails from women who ask me about this and I feel that this article really says it best.  Why He Hasn't Called You
March 28, 2006
He's afraid of getting hurt again.
He's just getting out of a relationship.
Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.
I think I intimidate him.
He just has so much going on right now.
Well you know what? They’re all crap. Every single one.
The fact is, if a guy is interested in you, wild horses can't keep him away. If he really wants something, he’s going to make an effort to get it. Warehouses full of big-screen televisions, power tools, motorcycles, fancy cars and pool tables attest to this truth.
You think you're getting mixed messages? They're not mixed. They may be weak, but they’re not mixed. The message is loud and clear: a polite rejection. Men aren't afraid of commitment. They’re afraid of saying "no" to your face. They're afraid of saying "you're not for me" especially if there’s a risk you might cry. But their actions tell you EXACTLY what they’re feeling.
A new book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called He's Just Not That Into You puts it all in perfect perspective. I haven’t read all of it yet, but the gist is this: You can make up any excuse you want, but the fact is, if a guy doesn’t call you, doesn’t ask you out, doesn’t keep pursuing you, he’s just not that into you.
As Behrendt says, "Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."
Men are just not that complicated. While we women can spend hours and hours analyzing the seemingly puzzling behavior of men, we’re wasting our time. If he wants you, you’ll know it. Instantly.
Awhile back I wrote about how men have this habit of obviously ogling women. There is no subtlety here. If a man is interested, he will certainly make his intentions known. He’s born to hunt. And he enjoys it.
If he doesn’t come after you, he doesn’t want you. Not enough to make any effort. Not enough to figure out how to get to you. Forgetting the fact that he may have no interest -- if he has no initiative, if he’s too lazy to get up off the couch to see you, why would you want him? You’ve just spent several hours (days? weeks?) agonizing about this guy who can’t even expend enough energy to call you. He’s a prize?
Uh, I don’t think so.
Now I know some of you must be thinking, "but this is the new Millennium. I’m a strong, independent woman. If I want to call him, I’m going to call him." Okay, go ahead. Call him. ONCE. But that’s all you get. Just one call. That’s it. If he does not call you back, doesn’t want to see you at the earliest possible moment, move on. Do NOT do his work for him.
Listen, very few men would turn down a free pizza, delivered to their door, whether or not they were particularly hungry. Please gals, don’t be that pizza.
You think he’s interested in you? Let him prove it. He does not prove it by giving you his number. He does not prove it by being happy to just email you. He proves it by wanting to see you, and asking you out.
Forget about the potential YOU see in him. Forget about how perfect YOU think you are for each other. Forget about that one fantastic night YOU had with him. If he doesn’t follow-up, he’s just not that into you.
The good news is gals, it makes our "job" much simpler. We don’t have to sit around agonizing or analyzing. There are no subtle signs to evaluate. It’s either yes or no. There’s a great sense of freedom when you release yourself from the old pattern of worrying and wondering. You minimize the disappointment and the "down time." When he doesn’t call back, when he doesn’t show any initiative whatsoever, he confirms the fact that he is indeed a schmuck. He didn’t need you to tell him. He proved it himself! ~By Michele Hickford on What Women Want- Ediets.com

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE ~SB Jen

Finding Mr./Mrs. Right- Part 3
Go ahead and pull out those lists we have made. You are now going to transfer those items to what you want/need in another person. What I mean by that is, you are going to turn around the "I want to have this in my life" or " I need to have this in my life" statements into " My partner needs to have this quality" or "I would like it if my partner had this quality." So for example, if you said " I love to shop - and you rated it a 5 on your needs list, you would say " I need my partner to be a) open to me shopping often or b) to like shopping as much as I do." The rating system will help you determine whether or not its really a want or need and how important it really is to you. Pay attention to those numbers and re-evaluate each want/need accordingly. Keep the numbers beside each one.
Now for the next part! On two fresh sheets of paper, write down the following categories: Spirituality, Politics, Family, Intimacy/Sex, Activities/Hobbies, Social, Habits, Income/Career, and Other on each one. Title the first NEEDS and the second WANTS. From the lists you have already made, the rest should be simple. Place each item on your list under the appropriate categories. If it is a want put it under the appropriate category on the WANT page. For example: Anything relating to religion, spirituality, or strong personal beliefs would go under the Spirituality category; Politics should list your views and whether or not you are politically involved; Family would include anything to do with the family you have now (parents, siblings, etc.), how many kids you want/ or don't want, kids that you already have; Intimacy/Sex would deal with romance needs/wants, sexual openness, affection and so forth; Activities/Hobbies is a given; Social includes the type of person you want/need in terms of how they are socially. Do you want a shy person? or an outgoing social butterfly? The rest is pretty self explanatory. If it doesn't fit in a category, put it under Other or add a new category. With these new lists, you may see other topics to touch on that you hadn't before. Please do so whenever the urge strikes you. Feel free to compile them onto on piece of paper but keep the categories separate. These lists are an ongoing project for the rest of your life. As we get older, our thoughts and feelings change or evolve. Congratulations!!! You have just created your guideline to your Mr./Mrs. Right!
From these lists, you can learn from yourself about what you need and what you want in another person in every aspect of a persons life. Never settle on your NEEDS list. If your partner doesn't have it or isn't willing to get it/be it, then you will not be happy. The need will outgrow the lust and you will soon find yourself looking for something to fulfill that need- elsewhere. Wants are just that- Wants. They are not required or mandatory to make a healthy relationship! Consider them bonus points. Once you find a person who meets all of your needs, wants will just be a plus. For each want they fulfill, its a bonus point on your happiness. So to sum it up, every need must be fulfilled. Wants are just a bonus and are not necessary for a happy relationship. Learning to differentiate between the two is the tuffy, but this is a good step in the right direction. Keep this list somewhere safe and handy and remember that you deserve to be happy. Once you have figured out what you need in your life, you will be better equip to look for it! Good luck to you all!
LaKira

Q & A
I would like to take a break this week from the "Finding Mr./Mrs. Right" segment to answer a question from one of my readers. I always appreciate support from my readers!
"Your last update was a year ago. Have you re-married since? Dating? I am a recent divorcee and wondering how does one my age (34) find love again? Any suggestions?" ~Duane
Hello Duane,
Thank-you for visiting my site! I hope you have enjoyed it so far. As for my personal page, I don't update it much as you can tell. I am more interested in sharing what I can to help people out, rather than talk about myself :) I myself have not remarried, but am in a long term relationship with a wonderful man. Finding love at our age can prove difficult, but it is not impossible. Besides your local bars/clubs and church services, there are plenty of venues to meet someone in your area. I know several couples who have found love on personals web services. There are a few out there that are good, depending on what you are into. I recommend searching the web to find dating services with reputable names and many members. You can usually check them out free of charge to see what is out there in your area. I also suggest getting a gym membership. That will allow you to network a bit. Keep in mind that most women don't want a man hitting on them at the gym when they are at their worst, but you can meet new friends...this is the buried treasure. Through new friends, you can meet new women close to your own age. This is, after all, how I met the wonderful man I am with right now! If you have hobbies, join local groups for your specific interests. This will let you find people who share a common interest with you. Like art? Go to museums or festivals. Like to read? Join a book club.
Above all else though, remember to stay real. Be yourself. Don't put on a phony front or play a role of someone your not. People see right through it, and if they don't right away, eventually they will. If you keep your goals in check and stick to your beliefs and values, you can't go wrong. Eventually you will find a partner who will love you for the REAL you. Divorce is an ugly and nasty process and I don't wish it on anyone, so I send my sympathy! But if you see the marriage (and even the end of it) for what it is, a stepping stone to the next faze in your life, then nothing but good can come from it. It is only those who chose to see it as a negative thing that become jaded and will not see a good opportunity when it comes along in the future. Good luck to you my friend!
LaKira

Finding Mr./Mrs. Right- PART 2
WANTS VS. NEEDS- Ok, so now you have your first list. Way to go! At this point, its time to evaluate what you wrote down. Take out another piece of paper and make two columns: Wants and Needs. Under your Want column, pull all of your wants from your first list and place them here. Remember that Wants are things you would like to have but can live without if need be. Now I want you to evaluate each one according to how much you want that particular thing in your life. On a scale from 1-5, 1 being “Not Very” and 5 being “Important”, rate each one and place the # next to each Want area. Example: on your 1st list, you decide you would like to be wealthy but you would be OK if you never became wealthy. That would be a Want. Then, you decide that being wealthy is one of those things that you really, really want, put a 5 next to it. It’s that simple!
Now take all of the areas that you feel you can’t live without and place those in the Needs category.  This category should be rated the same as the Wants category. How important is this need you have? 1 being “Not Very” and 5 being “Extremely Important”. This is the second step in your building block. Remember that you can take your time. Go back and change if need be. Just make sure that each item that you put on your first list goes into the proper column and is evaluated as best as you can. Make sure to keep both of your lists that you have made.
LaKira
Finding Mr./Mrs. Right- PART 1
Let me ask you this: When a coach sends his team into the game, does he just say GO and let them loose? No, he lays out a plan and the team executes it, right? Right! So why should it be any different when you are looking for love? If you are on the prowl for your wonderful someone or even if you are in a relationship where you are unsure of its destination, you should know what you want before you continue. Here's your homework this week-(Hey, I never said this was easy!) Sit down with your notebook and do some free-association writing. At the top of the page, write this question: What do I need and want in my life/ what is important to me? You should touch on all of these topics- your beliefs, hobbies, habits, sexual needs, financial needs, career goals, comfort level, friendships, and social level. ( this is not about anyone else or about what you should want or need, its about what you do want and need.) Start writing whatever comes to mind for 5-10 minutes. Remember to be honest with yourself. Don't edit this at all! Just what ever comes to mind. Let it all out. Once you have finished this part, organize your thoughts so that they are legible. Keep this question pinned up on your wall or keep it fresh in your mind for the rest of the week. If something else pops into your head, add it to the list! Keep some paper handy so that you can jot them down as soon as you think of them. This is the building block you will be using for the next few segments, so be as thorough as possible. Keep it in a safe place for next week.
LaKira

Loving at a distance
Long-distance relationships can be a positive experience for many people. For those of you with your partner overseas, this applies! LDR’s get a lot of flack; however, they tend to build off of two of the most important needs in a relationship: Communication and trust. In order to be together, you must communicate with each other when you are miles away from one another. Couples that use email and the telephone as a means of staying connected will find that they are more emotionally and spiritually in tune with their partner. Without the physical intimacy, all you have is emotional intimacy to fulfill your needs. And what would we do without trust? When your partner is miles and miles away, you only have two choices: Trust your partner is faithful and enjoy knowing you have a great catch, or you can constantly play out scenarios in your head of horrible things and make your life miserable. The choice isn’t difficult. Learning to trust your partner will become second nature. Those who build a relationship with this foundation tend to stay in love longer and have the deep meaningful love as opposed to romantic love. As most of us know all too well, romantic love fades after the first 6+ months. What’s left? Where’s your backup? So if you are in a LDR, take advantage of the situation and make the most of it! Ironically enough, those who are hundreds of miles away from each other tend to have the closest relationships! Didn’t Mom always tell us that absence makes the heart grow fonder?
LaKira

The M word. One of the greatest fear-inspiring words known to mankind. For some, marriage is a ball-n-chain. For others, it's the assurance that you will have someone to grow old with. Regardless of how you may view marriage, it is one of the oldest traditions we know of. If you are one of those who want to get married, here is some advice for you. TAKE YOUR TIME! Don't rush into such a serious commitment until you have fully explored every aspect of being together. The average relationship starts out great, including all the "fireworks" and butterflies. Fact of the matter is, however, that those feelings will eventually fade, the rose colored glasses come off, and the person your left with isn't going to look quite the same anymore. Usually this stage of being in love lasts for 3-6 months and sometimes even up to a year. Most people that go out into the dating world will have those feelings for many partners they "connect" with. So how do you know its going to work?
When the new wears off and the fuzzy feelings fade, you should love your partner and have stronger, more stable feelings for them. You should still enjoy being with them, have plenty in common, and simply feel blessed to have them in your life. In other words, if the giddy feelings disappear and all you are left with is a person you hardly recognize and your instinct is to run, listen to your instincts. So where does the M word come into this scenario?
Well if you are like the numerous people who run out and get married within the first year because they are "crazy about their new lover", and after two years of marriage, they are ready to bolt, you understand this already. Give your relationship the time it needs to decide if your partner is right for you and visa versa. You wouldn't buy a new home without first inspecting it, having it appraised, and checking for problems now would you? Of course not! So give yourself at least a year before discussing marriage. If at that point you feel stronger than ever about this decision, get engaged! I even recommend staying engaged for another year before tying the not. It's kind of like a test drive.
Remember, if your not sure your doing it for the right reasons, or you have doubts, talk to your partner and give yourself time to sort it out BEFORE you go through with it. Divorces are an ugly and expensive mistake. But above all else, make sure you are happy with yourself before bringing in another person into your life.
LaKira

I truly believe in the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. On occasion, spend a weekend without your lover! He goes off with the boys for a weekend of hunting, golfing, or fishing while you go off for a weekend at a spa with the girls! Not only will you allow for some much needed self time, but you will have some great things to talk about when you finally do see each other. It gives the feeling of rejuvenation to the spirit of love. Enjoy time together, relish time apart. Try doing this a few times a year and see how close it will bring you together! LaKira

Romance is not just cards and candy and flowers. Romance can be any number of things to different women. To a woman that works long hard hours, doing the dishes and cooking her a nice meal with out being asked can be romantic. To the woman who is a mother, a babysitter and a night on the town with her favorite man could be romantic. When deciding how to be romantic with your girl, try this: Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself " what does my life consist of? What relief do I need from this life?" There is the solution! Be creative! Send her to a massage therapist or a spa. And don't sit at her feet like a puppy dog wanting to be petted either. If she feels that the only reason you did this nice gesture was to get lucky, you just blew it! You should make it a rule of thumb to do something romantic and wonderful at least two-three times a month. You will reap the rewards, trust me.
LaKira

"Escape Together -Dear Dr. Harley, We just spent our 8th anniversary together without our children and it was wonderful. A wonderful dinner alone, flowers, a warm cozy fire and amore! The question or concern we have is about the commitment of time together. We are both very willing to commit to 15 hours, yet we have some real constraints with limited finances (since I am a stay-at-home mom, we live on my husbands income) and 2 young children, one who is disabled needing special care. We have scheduled evenings together after the children go to bed, but in order for us to fit in 15 hours a week we would have to schedule 5-6 hours together on the weekend as a "date night" and pay for someone to watch our children. This is possible on occasion, but would add financial stress or just plain stress in organizing the babysitter/event every weekend. It is not for lack of desire, just the realities of our limited budget. Any suggestions are welcomed. (We have tapped family members for sometime and can only do that on occasion because our parents are very old and not able to handle our children for long.) We almost need a nanny who is regularly scheduled weekly for us to achieve the goal of 15 hours weekly. Angelina
Dear Angelina, You raise a very common and important question when a couple begins to take seriously the need to spend time alone together – how can we fit the added expense into our budget? I have emphasized the need to budget time for undivided attention because that is the most difficult hurdle to cross. But, as you have noticed, there is also the need to budget money. One solution to the babysitting issue is to swap childcare with another couple that also wants to schedule time for undivided attention. You take their children if they take your children. Or you can co-op with several couples where one time out of four you have the children from three other couples. This strategy is particularly attractive to home schoolers and stay-at-home moms who need time away from their children, yet don't mind having a few friends over once in a while to play with their children. As to your question regarding the added cost of going out on "dates," I encourage couples to expect each other to be the main attraction. It costs very little to meet important emotional needs such as affection, conversation and sexual fulfillment. As you become experts in meeting those needs, simply being alone with each other will be all it takes to have the best time of the week. And it doesn’t even need to cost much to meet the need for recreational companionship. As you think of recreational activities that you both enjoy, also keep in mind the cost of those activities, and find the right combination of mutual interest and reasonable cost so that recreational activities are enjoyable, yet affordable. In our culture of two income families, couples have been forced to develop some very creative ways to break the cycle of going to work, coming home to take care of the home and children, going to sleep, and then going back to work. Time for leisure is absolutely essential to our mental and physical health, and couples have realized that if they want to maintain their sanity and stay happily married, their leisure time must be spent with each other. So they exercise together, they take lunch breaks together, they develop favorite recreational activities together, and, in general, plan their most enjoyable and most leisurely moments of their week – together. Escape from responsibilities is a normal and essential aspect of a balanced and enjoyable life. But when you escape, escape with your spouse. Make sure your time together for undivided attention is part of your escape plan. It will make you far more successful and far happier taking on your responsibilities the rest of the week. Best wishes Willard F. Harley, Jr."
www.marriagebuilders.com is my favorite source of great relationship information. Dr. Harley is truly one of the most intelligent relationship doctors of his time. He teaches simple techniques that work wonders on relationships. Whether you are married or in a committed relationship, this is the site for you. The above letter was from one of his monthly newsletters and it inspired me to share it with you all. LaKira

HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I
 thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to
 worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I
 can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
 with me anymore. He just sat t! here and watched T.V. He seemed distant and
absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to
bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
 still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I
decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
 sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
 HIS DIARY
Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95 -can't putt for sh*t. Got laid though.-
This joke has more truth to it than some like to admit. We as women tend to over-analyze every inch of our man until it drives us (and him) insane! Some men do it as well. One solution to this is to have an open communication line and to be able to trust in what your partner says to you. If your man seems distant, yet he tells you its not you but he doesn't feel like talking about it, give him the benefit of the doubt! Maybe, just maybe, he really DID just have a bad day at work and needs time to unwind. It is important to be honest with each other also. If the problem DOES in fact involve the other person, be honest and tell them that you will discuss it later when you are ready. It's equally important to follow through with verbal agreements, once they have been made, in order to sustain a healthy level of trust. However, being honest with your partner doesn't mean that you have to tell them everything right away when they ask. If we care for our partners properly, we will give them the time they need. It does us no good to push for an answer if they are not ready to talk about it. Being patient, honest, and open with each other is the key. ~LaKira

Quiz: Are you bitter?
By Margot Carmichael Lester
I’ve got a friend I call Bitter Man, a moniker he claims is undeserved because he’s not actually bitter (or so he claims). But he’s mistaken—and it’s hurting his chances with the ladies.
How we react to the bad relationships in our pasts can have a bearing on our romantic futures. The truth is we’re more likely to find love if we’re philosophical than if we’re jaded and bitter.
Take this fun quiz (you, too, Bitter Man!) to see where you stand.
1. When a friend announces a new relationship, you think:
· Good luck, you poor sap. (Score = 1)
· Hope it works out better than my relationships usually do. (Score = 2)
· I guess stranger things have happened. (Score = 3)
· Maybe this time, hope will trump experience. (Score = 4)
· Are you nuts? (Score = -1)
2. You see a hottie across the room. Your reaction is:
· I pity the fool you take home tonight, but it won’t be me! (Score = 1)
· Why bother? (Score = 2)
· Looks harmless enough, but I’m sure she's/he’s hiding something. (Score = 3)
· Maybe this one will be different. I’m going over there. (Score = 4)
· Where’s that little Ninja hiding the knife to stab me in the back? (Score = -1)
3. How much baggage are you carrying around from past relationships?
· A boatload of bad feelings. (Score = 1)
· Several suitcases of self-pity. (Score = 2)
· A backback filled to bursting. (Score = 3)
· Not much. I’m learning to travel light. (Score = 4)
· I’ve had to rent a storage unit. (Score = -1)
4. Your theme song could be:
· Janis Joplin’s version of “Take Another Little Piece of My Heart.” (Score = 1)
· Willie Nelson’s “Crazy.” (Score = 2)
· Orson’s “Already Over.” (Score = 3)
· Jon Brion’s “Trial & Error.” (Score = 4)
· Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know.” (Score = -1)
5. When it comes to love, you’re:
· Sick and tired of getting hurt. (Score = 1)
· Jaded. (Score = 2)
· Learning to love being single. (Score = 3)
· Confident you’ll find love eventually. (Score = 4)
· Convinced that anyone you’re attracted to will break your heart and suck the life out of you. (Score = -1)
Less than 0
You’re bitter, baby. You’ve been kicked around by love, but with an attitude like yours, it’s hard to believe you’ll get the chance to give love another go—not that you’d want to. Learn from the past and then let go of it. You’ll feel better, I promise.
0-5
You’re a cynic. And while that can result in an entertainingly acerbic wit, you’d be better served by remembering that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar.
6-10
After your bad experiences, it’s normal to be a little jaded. But don’t let your attitude develop into cynicism. Instead, focus on feeling hopeful about a future that includes a good relationship.
11-15
You’re making an effort, and it’s probably starting to pay off. Being skittish isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just guard against letting your prior experiences keep you from trying something new.
16-20
Congratulations. Despite a painful past, you’ve been able to put them behind you—hopefully with some valuable lessons learned.

Is it time to cut your losses?
By Randy B. Hecht
It's no news to you that even the best relationships require work. Lately, though, you've been wondering whether your current relationship merits all the effort you've been putting into it. How can you tell when it's still worth it to hang in there versus when it's time to accept that it won't work and move on? Though there's no one-size-fits-all answer, there are questions you can ask yourself that will help you make the decision that's right for you. Take this quick quiz to see where you stand:
Do you love each other?
• She loves me; lately I've questioned my own feelings. (Score = 1)
• I love her; lately I wonder how she feels. (Score = 2)
• We love each other, but we need to recapture the "in love" part. (Score = 3)
• Definitely. That's never been the issue. (Score = 4)
• What's love got to do with it? (Score = -1)
When you argue, it's usually:
• One hour of name-calling followed by 10 hours of silence. (Score = 1)
• The same stuff over and over. (Score = 2)
• Emotionally difficult ... but we keep at it. (Score = 3)
• Kept in perspective ... and we keep communicating. (Score = 4)
• When do we not argue? (Score = -1)
Most of your differences with your partner relate to:
• Personal values or religious beliefs. (Score = 1)
• Family. (Score = 2)
• Money and financial management. (Score = 3)
• Career pressures and other stress. (Score = 4)
• Drinking, drugs or other lifestyle issues. (Score = -1)
If you'd known it would be this way, you'd have:
• Gotten a dog and left it at that. (Score = 1)
• Asked her best friend out instead. (Score = 2)
• Probably taken the shot anyway — it still could work. (Score = 3)
• Jumped in with both feet without hesitation. (Score = 4)
• Run. Run like the wind. (Score = -1)
The idea of life without your partner makes you:
• Think of that cute account executive at work. (Score = 1)
• Sad, because you hate being alone. (Score = 2)
• Nervous about having to start all over again. (Score = 3)
• Completely miserable — you need each other. (Score = 4)
• Giddy with the thought of freedom. (Score = -1)
Scoring:
Less than 0: Yikes. Did you guys meet at a sadism convention? Time to make your exit.
0-5: This isn't looking good. If you don't cut your losses, they may cut you.
6-10: Sounds like you already know it's not working. Wouldn't it be better to admit it than to wait for things to deteriorate completely?
11-15: You're riding through some rough road these days, but this relationship isn't necessarily a lost cause. If you're both willing to do the work, you could get past this tough time.
16-20: You and your partner know a good thing when you've got it, and you'll do what's necessary to keep things humming. Hang on to each other!

The L word
By Andrea Orr
Sometimes it just slips out. And anyway, someone has to be the first one to say “I love you.” Oh, but the horror of saying it and not getting a response! How is one to handle that situation?
“You laugh and say you were only joking,” suggested one woman I asked. She really was not joking when she offered that juvenile but somewhat appealing piece of advice. She understood that in the scheme of all disastrous relationship moments, the unrequited “I love you” was among the worst, capable of sending even the most together, confident person, crawling under the bed.
Unfortunately, once you’ve said it, you really can’t go into a defensive tailspin. At least you shouldn’t.
Just for a moment, consider the best-case scenario. The one you love really loves you but was too surprised, touched or tongue-tied to respond right away. It may sound improbable that they’d have hard a time returning the L word after you’ve just laid yourself on the line, but some people need to think these things through. If you take back your own words too quickly, you make a bad situation worse. Maybe those three words were just temporarily stuck in your partner’s throat. Now they’re never coming out.
There are some less-than-ideal scenarios to consider too, like the possibility that you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Ouch.
The hard truth is that no matter how much fun you’re having together, saying “I love you,” is a relationship-defining moment, after which things between the two of you have forever changed. It’s sort of like saying, “I think we should see other people” and secretly hoping your girlfriend insists that she’s committed to you and you alone. She may surprise you and say, “I think that’s a great idea,” and next thing you know she has a new boyfriend when all you really wanted was a little reassurance.
Once you say “I love you,” you can’t go back to saying, “I like you a lot.” If you’ve ever been on the other side of this painfully awkward exchange, you know that’s true. In an informal survey of people who received the L word from someone they didn’t love, I collected this lame list of responses they came up with:
· “I know you do.”
· “Thank you.”
· “I’m so glad.”
· “I love your body.”
Yet everybody agreed on one point. They were skating on thin ice and only had about a week or so to come up with an “I love you, too,” or be single again. It wasn’t that the person who loved them gave them an ultimatum. Sometimes they made an effort to carry on as a couple who were happily “in like.” But once you rock the boat, you can’t expect to have calm seas. They both knew that there was a serious talk coming.
Perhaps the only thing worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you is being in a relationship with that person. Of course, it will never work. So, if you say, “I love you” and he says, “I love the way the moonlight is reflecting on your hair,” there’s not much you can do except give it time. But not too much time. Say, a week. Two weeks, if you’re dealing with an exceedingly guarded person, or one of those ultra-thoughtful “need to be sure” types.
The next couple of times you see each other, you have a choice. You can remain silent and wait for the other person to bring it up. Or, you can bring it to a head, either by saying, “I love you” again, or by sitting down and initiating the “where-is-this-going” talk. Then you just sit back and let things unfold. The bad news is you can’t make anyone else love you. But there really is some good news, too.
Didn’t someone once say, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” Be happy that you have love to give and that you have the courage to express it. Didn’t someone once say we should love without expecting anything in return?
Even if you can’t achieve the wise outlook of a poet or the detachment of a Buddhist monk, you ought to be happy that you expressed yourself. It would have been a lot worse to have to carry on, waiting for the other person to bring up the topic of love, only to have things fester and fall apart in a well of bitterness and misunderstandings, without you ever knowing if you were loved.
Really, that would have been worse. If you can’t see that now, from your vantage point underneath the bed, some day you will—the next time you fall in love.

How commitment can improve your relationship
By Margot Carmichael Lester
Making a commitment is a big step in any relationship. It signals your willingness to admit this person could be the last one you’ll ever date and to move through the world in partnership. And for most people, commitment stops there.
But Phil Holcomb, personal coach and co-founder of Seattle-based Extraordinary Learning, says couples can use commitment to strengthen their relationships.
“Committing—to others and to ourselves—even when we don’t feel like it strengthens us immeasurably,” he says. “Our self-respect, self-trust and self-confidence is nourished and nurtured by these acts. And it’s through our commitment that we gain clarity about what matters most to us.”
Holcomb offers these strategies for using commitment to improve your love relationship:
Be inclusive. “By inclusion, I don’t just mean an invitation to participate in some of my activities or the day-to-day living of life,” Holcomb explains. “I mean letting you in on what’s going on for me—how I think and how I feel. When I do this over time, your bond to me is strengthened. The stronger your bond is with me, the more willing you are to spend yourself helping me create what I want. This kind of inclusion, which forms the foundation of leadership, is how great relationships work.”
Be persistent. “When I want to quit, when it seems too hard or not worth it, I have the impulse to bail, duck or hope you’ll change,” he continues. “At these times I am usually a bit afraid that something bad might happen or that I might lose something valuable. Mostly, I am uncertain and unclear; I feel stuck. And I question my commitment. One way to get past these times is to ask myself, ‘What would a truly committed person do?’ An abundance of answers becomes apparent. Then I pick one and do it. This is one of the most workable ways to get unstuck.”
Be present. “The reason any of us wants a relationship is because we want to create a certain experience of life,” Holcomb says. “When I’m focused on what I don’t have, or what I’m not experiencing, it’s almost guaranteed that I’ll miss the opportunity in this moment to experience and enjoy what I do have and to create what I do want. But when I’m in touch with my commitment, I have the opportunity to be present in the moment, appreciate what I have and create more of what I want—now!”
Actually making the commitment is only the first step. Using the power of that bond to grow and strengthen your union will allow you both to grow as individuals and as a couple. And it makes being in a committed relationship more valuable and rewarding.

-Brian at Date.com says this in his letter to dear Sunshine-Sex, Love, or Infatuation " ...sex, lust, and infatuation could go hand-in-hand, but that wouldn't make it love. Is your attraction to her primarily or exclusively physical? If so, it's a sexual thing. But if you get a kick out of just being near or with her, and there are strong feelings of tenderness present that you don't feel toward your other friends, it's very likely that you are in love with her. If you think she feels the same, let her know. You don't have to simply blurt it out, but communicate your feelings in looks and gestures. Before long, she's sure to pick up on your signals. "
Found in the How-To's on Date.com
"How to Tell if He's Serious About You
You've known him a year, a month, maybe just a week... and while he hasn't said the L word yet, these clues reveal he's smitten. Here's How:
1. You call him at work and his secretary puts you through immediately.
2. He picks you up at the airport.
3. He's comfortable listening to his phone messages in front of you.
4. He refers to the two of you as 'we'.
5. He starts checking in nightly, also calls you at work first thing in the morning.
6. You compliment him on a jacket or shirt and he keeps wearing it.
7. He stocks your favorite wine/snacks/candy.
8. He asks you to go clothes shopping.
9. He screens his calls but picks up when he hears your voice.
10. He brings you soup when you're sick."
 
This article was my personal favorite because it helped me to understand my feelings and identify them.
Infatuation is Blind~
Romantic infatuation is “the great deceiver” that fools so many... ~The dictionary defines infatuation as the state of being “blindly in love”. You are “blind” to the faults of the other person. You think that he/she is just perfect. Other people can see plenty of faults, but you don't see them. You don't want to see them. Others may point out some of the faults to you, but you ignore them because you are “blindly in love”.
How do infatuations start? If I have feelings of love for someone, will I always have those feelings? What are the dangers of romantic infatuation? How do infatuations end? How can I tell if my love is real or just a romantic infatuation? Let’s consider these important questions.
Infatuations start fast~
Romantic infatuations usually start fast. A guy sees a girl and he is attracted to her. He looks at her and smiles. Their eyes meet and lock. She gives a shy smile and looks away. But the message has gotten through, “He’s interested to him.
It’s a wonderful feeling to know that someone of the opposite sex is interested in you. The romance begins to blossom. It builds up as it goes. Each is enjoying the feeling of being attractive to someone of the opposite sex.
The feeling of being in love and the feeling that someone loves you are wonderful feelings. The guy and the girl may not know each other very well at all, but before long, each is saying, “I've never felt like this before. I must be in love!”
Is this real love? No, the person has not fallen in love with the other person. He/She has fallen in love with the wonderful feeling of love.
If I have feelings of love for someone, will I always have those feelings?
The answer is NO, Feelings of love are feelings, and feelings go up and feelings come down. They are never permanent.
Our feelings follow cycles. We have “highs” and we have “lows.” You may be on a “high” today, but a few days later, you may hit a “low.” There is really no reason for it, but you just hit bottom. Before long, your feelings change, and once more you're on top again.
Some people have higher “highs” than others and some have lower “lows.” Some manage to stay on the mountain top longer than others, but feelings are never permanent. They change constantly.
The feelings you have when you are involved with a romantic infatuation are wonderful, but they are feelings, and feelings will change.
What are the dangers of a romantic infatuation?~
There are two big mistakes you can make when you are infatuated.
Mistake # 1 is getting involved sexually.
One day those wonderful romantic feelings will be gone and you will wonder what happened to your perfect romance. Then will come the sad part of breaking up. Breaking up is always painful, but when you have been involved sexually, it's ten times worse. Teens by the multiplied thousands will tell you, “I wish we had not gotten involved sexually. That made it so much worse when we broke up.”
Mistake # 2 is rushing into a premature marriage.
Marriage is serious business. not all moonlight, romance and roses. daylight, diapers and dishes! One day the romantic feelings will hit bottom. He's worried about his job and how he’s going to pay all those bills. She’s been up half the night with a sick baby. He looks at her and says, “I don't think I love you any more.” She says, “I don't love you any more either.” They head for the divorce court with all the heartbreak involved. The fact is that they never had real love for each other. It was only romantic infatuation.
How do infatuations end?~
Infatuations end like they began - fast. They don't last long. They are like a ride on a roller coaster. It’s fun and thrills while it lasts, but it soon comes to an end.
How can I know if my love is real or just an infatuation?~
It is NOT easy to tell if love is real or just an infatuation. In real love, you want to be with the one you love. The same is true of an infatuation. In real love you may get funny feelings when you think about that person or talk to him or her. The same is true of infatuation. In real love there is a physical attraction to the one you love. The same is true of an infatuation. But there are differences.
Infatuations start fast, but real love usually starts slow. Often it is just a friendship at first. You enjoy being together. But the friendship grows, and one day you discover that you truly love each other.
Infatuation is blind. You cannot see the other person’s faults because you are “blindly in love.” But real love is not blind. You see the person’s faults, but you love that person, faults and all.
Infatuation is all in the feelings, but real love is more than beautiful feelings. Anybody can say, “I love you,” but real love is more than just words - ­it’s a commitment. A commitment is a choice which is backed up with actions. At times you may have wonderful romantic feelings, and at other times you don't have them. But your love for that person is unchanged because you are committed to him or her.
Young people ask, “How can you hold on to love? Why is it so hard to keep?” In most cases, the reason it is hard to keep is that it is not real love. Usually it is just a passing infatuation. You may be involved in four or five infatuations as you go through high school. Each time you may think, “This is it! At last I've found the right person!” But later it turns out to be passing infatuation.
The best way to find out if your love is real is to give it time. Real love will survive the test of time. Infatuations won't - they fizzle out.
Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, gave us some good advice. He said, “Keep your heart with all diligence.” Concerning romantic matters, this means “guard your affections,” Don't go bananas over someone. Keep it cool.
You do not have to be “blindly in love.” You do not have to be so carried away with an infatuation that you do foolish things. You can use good sense in deciding that you do not want to become involved with someone who is not good for you. You don't have to “fall in love.”
It’s fine to seek friendships with those of the opposite sex, but don't get physical and don't be in a hurry. You may really like that person, but guard your affections. Friends don't “break up,” but lovers do. And when they do, there is a lot of hurt and regrets. You can send back the pictures. You can send back the gifts. But you cannot send back the hurt and the regrets.
To summarize…
Romantic infatuation is the great deceiver that fools so many people. The feelings you have when you are involved in a romantic infatuation are wonderful, but they will not last. You may really like someone, but guard your affections.
Stay cool ~ Kenneth Ifon

This is mostly geared to all the women out here! Good Luck!  At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. f you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really
don't mind that? It's like camping.

Flirty or Skittish?
Are you the type of person who sees an attractive man in an elevator, but, when he gazes in your direction, suddenly finds great interest in counting the rug fibers in the floor? Or maybe you're more likely to make a spectacle of yourself -- like Rachel on Friends, who dressed up in her high school cheerleading uniform and recited a cheer in an effort to get a guy's attention. If so, you need to take note of the three best flirting moves -- these never fail:
1. Flash Your Best Asset -- a Smile. Whether you meet him in a bar or the supermarket, a good old-fashioned smile is one of the best ways to get the attention of that handsome stranger. "Smiling is one of the best ways to flirt and one of the easiest things to do to attract a man," says Michael Christian, author of The Art of Kissing (St. Martin's Press, 1995) and producer of Kissing.com. "If you smile at a guy and he smiles back, you've communicated."
It's important, however, to make sure your smile is directed at the intended subject. (You don't want the creepy guy sitting at the bar to think you're flirting with him!) "When you smile, look straight into his eye. This shows that you're communicating directly with him," says Christian. And once he has smiled back, he's opened the door for you to initiate small talk. "If you're in a record store you can say, 'Isn't this a good band they're playing on the sound system?' and there you go, you're talking about something you have in common."
2. Be that "Funny Girl." A little sense of humor can go a long way when it comes to flirting. "Men love women who are confident enough to make lighthearted remarks," says Christian. "You don't have to be another Carol Burnett; any little funny line will do the trick, and help get the sparks flying." Funny simply can be a witty one-liner to a stranger at a party, or it might be telling a really good -- non-corny, non-racy -- joke to a colleague while waiting to use the fax machine. "You also could make little 'in' jokes about the boss or others in the office," he says.
After you elicit a chuckle from this potential suitor, follow up with some serious small talk. "Humor is one of the greatest ice-breakers. It allows you to get your foot in the door, so then you can talk about whatever else is topical or relevant," says Christian. "If you meet a man in an elevator and make a joke about it taking too long to get to your desired floor, you can follow up with, 'How do you like living on the 23rd floor?'"
3. Tempt Him With a Tease. Men love to be challenged, and teasing is a great way to do it. A tease can be anything from asking a man in a nightclub where he learned his "unique" dance moves, to a sarcastic remark to a cute coworker about his "interesting" tie adorned with Disney characters. "If the guy is good-looking, everyone is probably always complimenting him," says Christian. "Throw him down a notch, and this will often pique his interest. A tease is out of the ordinary, can be a little exciting and shows that you're playful."
While Christian suggests that teasing a guy will pique his curiosity, he warns that you shouldn't be overly critical or sarcastic. You also need to realize he may tease you back, so don't dish it out if you can't take it. "The nature of teasing is to...cause a little consternation and/or excitement," he says. A well-timed tease can then start a playful repartee between you two. ~MSN Women

A woman spends her whole life trying to change a man, and in the end, she doesn't like who he becomes. A man spends his whole life hoping that his woman will not change and she does... In short, Women- do not stay with a man if you cannot learn to live with everything about him. Do not try and change him or you might just turn him into something you don't like. People will not change unless they WANT to change. Not because they are forced to. Ultimatums are not a good idea. Do not be fake and phony while you are dating. Letting your potential man see you for who you really are will give you the chance to see if he will love you even AFTER the honeymoon is over. If you don't, you are wasting your time.

~Here are a few tidbits I found on a site on the web. Lost the site, but here they are anyways. They are responses to women's' questions. Some are funny, some nail it pretty good.~
~What does it mean when men say, 'I'm just not ready for a relationship.' ~
It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you all day, every day.
~Why do men fear commitment? ~
It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err...nbsp; I mean, newer models every couple of years.
~Why can't men just say 'I love you ?' ~
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is roughly equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to deal with character faults.
~Why can't men share their feelings ? ~
You must first understand that men and women are different. We cannot share how we feel, when we have no idea how we feel. Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a cinder block on the foot, we have no idea.

~Tidbits collected from men of all ages~
The first date is an interview of sorts. ~ Billy 22, Manager
A woman's perfume is my thing. No matter how much time has passed, I can smell it and all the feelings come right back to me. ~Steve 28, Cable Guy
I want my girlfriend to be in control of herself. To know what she wants in life and never be afraid to go for the gusto. She's got to be secure in herself before I want anything to do with her seriously. I don't want to be her baby sitter or her father. ~ James 34, Construction Worker
I like girls who will keep my ego stroked. I like to be told that I am strong, good looking, and an animal in the bedroom. Make me feel like your superman and I will soar you to new heights. ~Brandon 21, Sales
How can I miss you if you never leave? ~Steve 28, Cable Guy

Here is a great article from MSN Women-
Lying for love
Is honesty always the best policy when it comes to relationships?
Sometimes it seems as though loving and lying go together -- say, when we tell our partner that of course we don't mind if he skips shaving all weekend, or reassure him that the little bald spot on the top of his head makes him sexier. (Right!) Perhaps that's because when we do lie to someone we care about, it's usually with the best of intentions -- to soothe his insecurities or to avoid a fight. And as long as our heart is in the right place, even experts acknowledge that honesty isn't always mandatory. "You don't have to tell the whole truth if it will hurt your partner or if it's something he can't change," says Marion Solomon, Ph.D., a couples therapist based in Los Angeles and author of "Lean on Me."
Still, not all lies are harmless -- even little white ones -- and some untruths can unravel a relationship by eroding intimacy and trust. The worst kind of lie: The one that stems from a desire to make ourselves into someone we're not, or one that enables us to gloss over serious problems in a relationship. How to tell the difference? Next, five lies that can undermine your love -- and five that may actually strengthen it.
The lie: "You deserved that promotion."
The context: Your significant other is upset because he has just been passed over for a raise -- again.
Your motivation for lying: You're trying to cheer him up.
Why the lie could be lethal: Chances are that your partner isn't looking for your evaluation of his job performance but rather for your emotional support. By focusing on the fact that he didn't get the promotion instead of on how he's feeling, you're sending a message that you're not comfortable seeing him vulnerable and upset. "What he'll take away from your comment is that you can't stand to see him down or deal with him being depressed," says Dr. Solomon.
What to say instead: "I'm sorry. I know how bad you must feel."
The lie: "You think I was flirting with Bob?! Don't be ridiculous!"
The context: Bob is a good-looking co-worker with whom you regularly exchange charged sallies. Your partner happened to catch one of these interactions -- and didn't like what he saw.
Your motivation for lying: Sure you flirt with Bob, but you know your exchanges don't mean anything, so they're not worth discussing.
Why the lie could be lethal: If your partner brought this up, he must be feeling jealous or insecure. By brushing off his concerns, you're denying his feelings and distancing yourself. "That's damaging," warns Dr. Solomon.
What to say instead: "Bob and I do flirt sometimes, but it doesn't mean anything. I have no intention of getting involved with him."
The lie: "Oh, ooh, ooooooooh, baby!"
The context: Um, duh, you're between the sheets!
Your motivation for lying: You're going at it, and it's clear that you're not going to have an orgasm. It's time to call it a night.
Why the lie could be lethal: "You're settling for less than you deserve, sexually," says Marilyn Sorensen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Portland, Oregon, and author of "Breaking the Chain of Low Self-esteem." "Your love life will never improve if your partner doesn't know he's not satisfying you."
What to say instead: "Honey, can we try this another way?"
The lie: "I love spending Thanksgiving with your family."
The context: You were hoping that the two of you could have an intimate holiday together, for once, but your partner just told you that he already committed to having the two of you spend it with his parents -- and six siblings.
Your motivation for lying: What's done is done. Why pick a fight?
Why the lie could be lethal: "If you sweep a conflict under the rug, eventually you're going to trip on it," says Dr. Sorensen. "If a couple tells me they never disagree, I don't conclude that they have a terrific relationship. Rather, I know they don't have good communication."
What to say instead: "I'll try to have a good time, but next year, please ask me before you make our holiday plans."
The lie: "Nothing's wrong. Why do you ask?"
The context: Your partner has just asked what's wrong.
Your motivation for lying: You're in a rotten mood, but it's not about him and you don't feel like hashing over the details.
Why the lie could be lethal: This kind of lie can turn a molehill into a mountain, since your honey will wonder what is so wrong that you can't share it with him.
What to say instead: "I'm upset, but it has nothing to do with you -- and I don't feel like talking about it right now."
The lie: "Ha, ha, ha -- that's hysterical!"
The context: Your guy just told a corny joke.
Your motivation for lying: He's trying to be funny, and you don't want to hurt his feelings by not laughing.
Why the lie won't hurt: "Different people have different senses of humor, and your response acknowledges that," says Dr. Solomon. "By laughing at your partner's joke, you're shoring up his ego."
When to go for the truth instead: If you're consistently laughing when you're not amused, or if his jokes offend you.
The lie: "Thanks for the surprise! I love big, dangly earrings!"
The context: He was in a store, they caught his eye, and he had them wrapped up to go.
Your motivation for lying: True --the earrings aren't really your style, but you appreciate his thoughtfulness.
Why the lie won't hurt: Telling him that you prefer little studs or that you don't wear earrings at all would make him feel like a failure when it comes to giving you presents. "Keep that up and he may stop trying to do spontaneous things to please you," says Dr. Solomon.
When to go for the truth instead: If you suspect that he spent a lot of money for them.
The lie: "You're the best lover I've ever had."
The context: You're next to him, sweaty, panting and post-orgasmic.
Your motivation for lying: Sure, you're exaggerating a bit, but you're feeling euphoric.
Why the lie won't hurt: "It's a compliment that's bound to make him feel good," says Dr. Solomon. "There's nothing wrong with that."
When to go for the truth instead: If he is regularly lousy in bed.
The lie: "Karen says hello."
The context: Your friend (Karen) has just spent the past 30 minutes detailing all the reasons she doesn't like your significant other, who, in turn, has inquired who you've been on the phone with.
Your motivation for lying: You don't want to hurt his feelings.
Why the lie won't hurt: "There's no reason for you to tell him what she really said," notes Dr. Sorensen. "These lies of omission are kinder than the truth."
When to go for the truth instead: If he actually did something inexcusable to your friend.
The lie: "No, I'm not throwing you a surprise birthday party."
The context: Enough said.

This section is geared towards the men in our lives. Hope it helps
The number 1 complaint I hear is "He loves his car/truck/TV/electronics/friends/etc... more than me!" - Translated, that means that we feel that you put more into the other things in your life than you do in your relationship with us. We all know that when your rig breaks down, you go find the parts and fix it or take it to a mechanic to get it fixed. Most of us do not ignore the problem or go buy a new one when it goes on the blitz. When there is a problem at work, you gather the skills required to fix it and you do it. You don't just quit your job. The same goes for every other aspect of a persons' life. However, the strangest phenomenon occurs in most relationships: When there is a problem in the relationship, the primary thing that tends to happen is just the opposite of what you might think. It gets ignored, hoping that the problem will fix itself, or the person runs away from the relationship. Unfortunately, problems rarely ever "fix" themselves, and moving on to a new relationship isn't gunna fix it either- the problem will just move to a new location. So jump in there and get your hands a little dirty!! We know you're not afraid of a little dirt now are ya?
The good news is, you are on this page, which probably means you are taking the first step to fix a problem or make sure that the relationship you are in runs smoothly. You are researching solutions/ideas. It may be a simple problem with a simple solution, or it may be extremely complex and may need some professional intervention. Regardless of the situation, here are two major tools you will need to make the situation right and to keep your love life healthy: Communication with your partner- the ability to talk about your feelings with your partner and to listen to what your partner has to say to you. Compromise- the readiness to do what it takes to make both parties happy. to meet in the middle. You have to give a little to get a little. This does NOT mean giving up who you are as a person or to be the person doing all the giving. This simply means to find a common ground to meet on. Ok, with that said....here are some other tidbits gathered from sources of all sorts, even a few from yours truly.
What do we really want?
Own up to it when you make a mistake. Don't try and make it OUR fault or make us feel stupid for pointing it out. If you screw up, MAN UP and make it right. Apologize and follow up with a plan of action. No body wants to hear about their flaws, but when you choose to affect others with them, then be prepared for those people to complain. And when they do, try and put yourself in their shoes! We all have flaws, but its how you deal with them that sets you apart from the rest. ~LaKira 28
When you face a problem together and decide on a solution, stick to it! The thing I tend to dislike the most is when a man says he will work on something, he does for a week or two, and then everything goes back to the way it was before. Its kind of like spilling something on the floor and throwing a towel over it for a while. The mess is still there and will be until its taken care of for good. If the first idea didn't work, keep trying new ones until you find a good solution. Don't just give up. ~ LaKira 28
We want to be treated with the same courtesy you would expect for yourself and the same respect you would show your momma. If you don't want us to do it to you, don't do it to us! ~Casey 29
When we ask "what you are thinking about?", typically we don't want to know every single thought running through your head at that exact moment in time. What we are really fishing for is how you feel about us. We are emotional creatures by nature and we need to hear that you think about us often. Usually if you hear that question a lot from your girl, it is because we are not getting shown enough. We love to be told that we are beautiful and sexy often. We love getting flowers (even hand picked ones) and cards or letters for no reason, except to show you are thinking of us. Like mom always taught us, it's the thought that counts... So the next time your girl asks you this notorious question, just respond with a smile and say," I was thinking of how pretty you looked today when we were<fill in>." ~LaKira 28
Women would rather know the truth about the level of our relationship, as opposed to being kept in the dark . What are your expectations? What are your limits? If you are just in it for a good time, we really do want to know. Stop trying to protect our feelings so much! We are big girls after all. I am so tired of players. ~ Jamie 32, Sales Rep.
What I like my man to do the most is being anywhere and he comes up behind you and puts his arms around you and just holds you... like when your talking to someone or just because... ~Amica 25, Habilitative training technician
A little smirk from across the room makes ya feel like you are the only one there. ~ Misty 26, Cook
Women need verbal assurance. She will actually buy it when you say that your interested in her going-ons, even if your really not.~ Tonya 30, Housewife
If you are too tired to cuddle afterwards, you are too tired to have sex! If we have taken the time to indulge your fantasies for the evening, we would appreciate the same in return. Talk to us and cuddle us after we are finished! Don't just role over and go to sleep or dive for the remote control. Take a few extra moments to show us that we are appreciated. We might just want to do it more often! ~Brandi 24, Teacher
Plain and simple, spoil us! If you want to keep us around, spoil us! My husband spoils me rotten and we have a great marriage! ~Staci 33, Waitress/Wife
Remember that it's really impolite and hurtful to stare at other girls while with your girl, no matter how pretty they are. Believe it or not, we understand that we are not the only pretty girl you will notice in your lifetime, nor are you the only man we will notice in ours- but its how you handle it when you do, that really counts. Don't make a big deal out of it, do NOT point them out to your friends (yes, we even see the nods), and what ever you do, don't keep looking at them! It makes us feel invisible and insecure.~ LaKira 28
When a gal tells you that she needs to talk to you, it isn't always bad news. Women just need to talk; it's an escape mechanism. When she Stops talking to you, start worrying. *The happiest women are those who are sure that someone loves them. An insecure woman is an unhappy woman. *A secure woman would rather give you the benefit of the doubt. An insecure one will make mountains out of molehills. *Guys would rather sacrifice love to conquer the world. Gals would rather give up the world just to be with someone who is worth that sacrifice. ~Romance101.com quotes
Don't take us for granted. Let us know we are appreciated by showing it and saying it as much as possible. ~Ina 46, Food Service
All I have to do is throw open my arms and my husband is right there-anytime I need him. That makes me feel safe and secure and it makes him feel like my hero. ~Amy 30, Manager
When I am having a super horrible day, my honey will do silly things to get a smile on my face. Well, it works.....It makes the misery much more tolerable. ~ LaKira 28
Dating is not always an invitation to move in with us. Try taking it slow. ~Linda 43, Valet Driver
Love us-even if we do put on a few extra pounds. If we see that you will love us no matter what, we are more apt to loose the pounds because we know we have the support. If we feel that you don't want to touch us anymore, we get depressed and it can start a vicious cycle that will cause the problem to escalate. ~ Ginger 22, Sales Rep.
You know what is the biggest turn on for me? When a man stops me in mid-sentence with a breath-taking kiss. Especially when I am talking about the most mundane things. It shows that he still thinks I am breath-taking. ~LaKira 28
Compliments...could use a few every now and then. Also, men need to remember that just cuz a woman was not born a man she can be just as cool to hang out with if given the chance. ~Amica 25
Wearing tight pants is not an invitation to play with the goods! Ask First! ~General
It's better to be alone with no one then alone with someone. ~ Linda 43
How to make a girl fall in love with you and STAY in love with you.
(Picked up from a variety of sites and miscellaneous ramblings of women....)
Making a girl fall for you can be quite easy, but keeping her in love with you is another story. We all work so hard at getting the girl/guy, but once we get them, we stop putting forth the effort we once gave. It was that "effort" that made us fall for you in the first place. Take that away and what are we left with? What reason do we have to stay? So take these things to heart and tuck them away for safe keeping. Try to do at least one of these a week, but feel free to do them more often. We are like watering a plant; you need to nurture and care for a plant at least once every day or two. If you starve it, it will die quickly. If you don't feed it often enough, it will shrivel up and die over time. If you over-feed it, it will also die over time. Find that happy medium and go with it.~
*Always laugh at her jokes and silly stories. *If a gal suddenly starts to ignore you, think over your actions the last 24 hours for the answer. *Call her from work, just to say you were thinking about her. *Bring her chicken soup and a hug if she's sick. *Tell her you still think she's adorable, even when she is sick. *Slow dance with her in your living room. *Bring her flowers just for sh*ts and giggles. *Pick her some flowers of your own, not store bought. *Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello. *Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something nice. *Snuggle her while watching TV. *Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars. *Tell her something about you that no one else knows. *Leave love notes on post-its all over the house. *remember, we like to enjoy sex too. *Remind her that you still think she's beautiful. *Take a bubble bath together and wash/dry each other off. *Give her a backrub, without asking for one in return. *Offer to baby-sit so she can go out with the girls. *Foreplay is NOT a golf term. *Watch a chick flick with her. *Surprise her with a candle light dinner even if its not valentines day or her birthday. *Never stop trying to impress her. *Tell her you love her at least once a day. *Never forget how much she means to you and show her every chance you get. *Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again. *Leave a sweet note in one of her jacket pockets to find later. *It doesn't matter how much you spend, if she loves you, anything you give her will be precious.
And of course, one of my favorite lines from a great movie. Sandra Bullock is instructing Ben Affleck on the do's and don'ts of how to treat a woman, in "Forces of Nature".
Sarah/Sandra- "Never forget a birthday. Make a really, really big deal of it. After sex, hold her for a while, ya know, talk to her like a human being. Do not wear socks to bed. You may not have been that attractive to start off with. Always, always side with her in an argument with your mother. Listen to her like you mean it- supportiveness is a really really sexy turn on. Never ever hit... Never. And no matter what annoying habits she has, just realize she is dealing with a huge mountain of imperfections everyday, she just might not let it go."
Worst things men have done-What NOT to do
Ok men, this section is dedicated to all the DON'TS of relationships and dating.
Kissing-Do NOT drool on your date or kiss with your mouth closed or shove your tongue down her throat. Girls want the first kiss to be memorable, not try to forget it immediately. When in doubt, follow her lead! If you feel her tongue touch your lips, be assured you can use your tongue. If she moves a lot, move with her. Remember that girls must feel that chemistry on the first date, or you are OUT!
No matter how long it has been for you, do NOT try to sleep with your date right away. Take it slow with her and let her get a good feel for you. Once you sleep together, you make it about the sex and you loose your footing for a good foundation. Make sure your compatible on many levels before entering the "great unknown". I hear so many men say that they think a girl is great, until the day after they sleep together. The girl turns into a monster! Well, if they would have waited, then they would have most likely seen that BEFORE the relationship went to the next level.
As for mentioned above, do NOT check out other women in the presence of your girl. That is truly one of the most disrespectful things you can do to her. Girls can get some serious complexes from that. They can start to think that she is just not good enough for you, that your unfaithful, that she is fat or unattractive, feel invisible, or all of the above! We all notice the opposite sex, but remember this; You wouldn't like it if your girl was checking out men that were better looking than you would you? This advice was given to a woman who was being cheated on for the second time by her boyfriend. I really liked what she had to say here. "To attract someone special, you’ll have to be someone special, and I suspect your real work ahead won’t be convincing your wandering boyfriend that he’ll be happiest at home with you. It will be coming to understand what drove your choice of boyfriends and behaviors in the past, conquering any lingering temptation to stay that course and ultimately redirecting your romantic activities and decisions moving forward. While affairs may seem mysterious and exciting at first glance, in my book there’s nothing sexier than an intimate promise, made lovingly to one special person, and kept true to, even in the face of alluring opportunity, tough times in the relationship or intermittent personal uncertainty. "  Quoting Match.com's Trish McDermott

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2) Less guilt the morning after.
 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! ~Submitted by Dan

The Secret to Staying in Love
Seven couples reveal their recipes for keeping their bonds strong.
By Sara Eckel; found on MSN romance
Work That Counts
When Rod Forbes turned 40 last spring, he thought he'd be celebrating by listening to music at a local jazz bar with his buddies. Instead, he was the opening act. "I arranged for Rod's band, which had never played a live audience before, to open up for a local jazz band," says Rod's wife, Marydell. "I secretly mailed out invitations to out-of-town friends and family, who packed the room and shouted 'Surprise!' as Rod and his friends entered the club. Rod had a lot of fun pretending to be a rock star that weekend."
Relationship experts say the key to staying in love is to being willing to work at it, which can make long-term partnerships sound like a rather dreary enterprise. But Susan Piver, author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" (Tarcher, 2004), says that the "work" of a relationship shouldn't be drudgery. Rather it should be the kind of joyful exertion that Marydell found in plotting her husband's 40th.
"If you love gardening, then the work is a joy, even when there are weeds and crappy weather. But if you hate gardening and even a ripe tomato plant isn't good news to you, then that sucks. I wouldn't want to be in that relationship," says Piver.
The challenge, of course, is finding the time to do that work. "We have very busy, economically demanding lives, and people don't have as much time to give to their relationships, because they're treading water themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington.
But just as weeding and watering is essential to a healthy garden, taking time to communicate and listen to your partner is critical if you want your relationship to thrive. "Couples expect that they'll get to a place where things are predictable and stable. But things will always change, and that's what makes the relationship exciting and alive," says Piver.
So how much quality time do you and your partner need? Piver says it's a tricky question, as almost everyone's needs are different. She's also noticed that almost every couple squabbles over this issue more than any other. "One person always wants more time alone, while the other wants to devote more time to the relationship," say Piver.
But if each partner is willing to give a bit, and agree that you need to have some quiet time with each other each day, you've got a good start. The important thing is making sure you have some relaxed time to connect. "You want to make sure you have that time where you're sitting around with a cup of coffee, remembering why you love each other," says Schwartz.
Real Couples Reveal
So how do real couples stay in love? We asked seven happy couples for their secret:
Creating Grown-Up Time
Katie B. Wilkinson, 34, and Eric Wilkinson, 36, Seattle, Washington
Together for: 13 years, married for 7.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: Not making it all about the kids. "We're consumed and smitten with our two daughters, but we know that they will grow up and it will just be us two again," says Katie, who says that having children has actually improved their sex life, as it makes their time alone together more precious.
Advice to Other Couples: Have a standing date night, and take vacations without the kids. "An eight-day trip to the Four Seasons in a secluded spot in Mexico last month made us vow to vacation alone together once a year," says Katie.
Gestures of Love
Greg Risdahl, 44, and Aliza Sherman, 39, Laramie, Wyoming
Together for: 2 1/2 years
Our Secret to Staying in Love: Aliza says she and her man find small but meaningful ways to stay connected, like giving each other foot rubs and taking a quiet walk each morning. "We hold hands in bed when we wake up and at night before falling asleep. Just that small gesture of connection really keeps us feeling close," says Aliza.
Advice to Other Couples: Say, "I love you." Aliza says you can never say this too much. "We were both in previous relationships where we never said 'I love you' to our partners. Now we can't get enough or give enough of those three words," she says.
Attitude of Gratitude
Kevin Decker, 45, and Joy Decker, 40, Fairfax, Virginia
Together for: 12 years, married for 9.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: Kevin and Joy make sure to kiss for 10 full seconds. "It's amazing how this little tip has made our relationship closer," says Kevin.
Advice to Other Couples: Let your spouse know that they're appreciated. "When I take actions that say, 'Thank you,' it strengthens our romance," says Kevin, explaining that small gifts like flowers or a surprise day at the spa make Joy feel his gratitude.
Renewal of Faith
Gail Dukas, 35, and Richard Dukas, 41, Teaneck, New Jersey
Together for: 11 years, married 10 years.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: As Gail and Richard became more in tune with their Jewish heritage, they've found that the old customs can really help with modern romance. For example, one custom has married couples refraining from sexual relations for a set time each month. "While we were skeptical at first, we've found that the period of abstinence lets us relate intellectually and emotionally -- and makes for great reunions!" says Gail.
Advice to Other Couples: Act as a team. "It's important for a couple to be a team when dealing with inevitable in-law issues' and other outside challenges," says Gail. Agreeing on everything, however, is not required.
You've Got Mail
Amanda Vega, 29, and Justin Vega, 31, Scottsdale, Arizona
Together for: Married for 4 years, nine months after meeting online.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: Because Justin is in his medical residency, Justin and Amanda have to deal with being apart for long stretches of time, even living in separate cities for a while. To bridge the gulf, they started e-mailing each other lists of all the times that they missed each other, that is, times when they've been apart and realized how much they longed to hear the other's laugh, or see their smile. "We keep many of them now, and can reference them if we ever get into a big fight," says Amanda.
Advice to Other Couples: Don't be joined at the hip. "Too many couples get into this weird dynamic where they let their friends or interests they had pre-marriage simply disintegrate when they get married," says Amanda, who says the ample time they each get with their friends keeps them fresh for each other.
Know Thy Partner
Dianne M. Daniels, 41, and Aaron Daniels, 42, Norwich, Connecticut
Together for: Married 14 years, after knowing each other (and dating on and off) for 25 years.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: Understanding what he/she needs to feel loved. "My husband prefers that we do activities together. Even if it's just watching a movie, he prefers to watch it lying on the couch with his head in my lap. I express my love for my family by doing things for them -- making dinner, folding their clothes unexpectedly," says Dianne, who feels loved when her husband does these thing for her, too.
Advice to Other Couples: Study your partner, and see what he or she responds to. "A man who responds well to compliments will also visibly shrink from a harsh word, so he needs extra care when his spouse speaks to him," says Dianne.
Rules of Engagement
Audrey Thomas, 43, and Tony Thomas, 46, Bloomington, Minnesota
Together for: 20 years, married for 18.
Our Secret to Staying in Love: "We read a book together on marriage and discuss each chapter as we go," says Audrey. This ensures that they will have a time each day when they can connect with each other's intellect, rather than just mindlessly going through daily tasks like cleaning up after dinner or paying bills. This helps them stay engaged with each other's intellect, rather than mindlessly going through the day.
Advice to Other Couples: Make sure your time together really is quality time. "Going to a movie doesn't count as it isn't engaging and doesn't allow for conversation," says Audrey.
Of course, there are no guaranteed strategies for staying in love. All couples must find their own "secret." And that's the fun of it, says Piver. "It's an incredible mystery," she says. "A long relationship has to weather many storms. Sometimes it's sunny and beautiful, and sometimes it doesn't matter what you do -- it's going to sleet and hail. That's why you need stay open to each other no matter what the weather."

The secret lives of happy couples
We all know a couple like this: after years together they still hold hands, make each other laugh and blush, get along famously, and seem to enjoy a dynamite groove the rest of us only dream of. But what really goes on behind the scenes? Have these two soul mates actually found their perfect match in this big wide world, or are there secrets and strategies to making sure that romantic spirit continues to flourish over time?
In order to maintain the magic and sustain the spark, happy couples know they must:
Start solid. Remember that best friend you had when you were a kid? Whether blissfully playing side-by-side in the sandbox, or building an awesome fort together, you two just grooved on being in each other’s presence. Happy couples share that same serendipitous groove, if in the all-grown-up world. Romantic chemistry aside, they genuinely like each other as people, and truly enjoy walking down the path of life hand-in-hand.
Keep it fresh. Routines and traditions can give a couple a comforting sense of predictability that’s both grounding and reassuring. But surprises and adventures are also essential to really keeping that spark alive. Happy couples make a habit of shaking things up a bit by planning weekend getaways to undiscovered destinations, saving their pennies for a dream vacation, or launching fun and ambitious projects together. Having exciting things on the calendar to look forward to and sharing new adventures together reaffirms their connectedness and refuels the romance.
Clear the air. It’s perfectly natural for any couple to encounter frustrations, disappointments, and miscommunications from time to time. But if grievances go unaired, they can pile up to a mountain of resentment and put the relationship at risk. Happy couples make sure they keep the communication open, and navigate those inevitable rough spots with honesty and mutual respect. If any issues should arise that seem too big or too complex to resolve between the two of them, they’ll schedule some sessions with a couples therapist to help them safely weather the storm.
Have a life. A healthy relationship consists of two individuals who each maintain a strong sense of themselves, and who each take a genuine interest in the other. One may decide to go back to school to pursue a higher degree, while the other may get involved in a volunteer project or a photography workshop. Maintaining individual identities and pursuing individual interests insures that there’ll always be new things to share and to learn about one another.
Tune it up. Whether it be once a month or once a year, a regularly scheduled sit-down can allow for some essential upkeep and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Happy couples may agree to a periodic summit meeting to check in with one another about the overall well-being of their partnership. They may discuss what they’ve been appreciating about one another, what dynamics could use some tweaking, and what is on the horizon for their future as a couple. A little preventative TLC from time to time helps keep those relationship engines running smoothly. ~MSN Dating and Personals

Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished. ~ Og Mandino

*There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~ George Sand

I loved you once, You loved me not
I loved you twice, But I forgot
You never loved me, You never will
But even so.....I love you still ~Unknown

*I once asked a friend of mine that had been married for 30+ years, "what is the secret to it all?" His response was an amusing one, but very true. He told the story of a fly. Yes, I said a fly. It goes something like this: One day a fly is flying around and goes inside this barn. Soon after entering, he realizes that the farmer has just closed the door. So the fly frantically tries to find a way out. He soon gets tired and hungry so he flies over to a big pile of fresh manure and starts gorging himself. When finished, he decides that he is still stuck in the barn so he tries to fly around again. He tries and tries but to no avail. He had eaten so much he couldn't get in the air. So he sees this pitchfork sticking out of the hay and decides that if he can climb to the top and jump, that he could get enough wind under his wings to fly again. So the fly climbs to the top... jumps off the pitchfork....and SPLAT! ~~~Moral of the story is, never fly off the handle when you are full of shite! Thank-you Nick!

*To live without loving is not really to live. ~ Moliere

Relationship-Making
Do you know how to establish a new relationship to guarantee that it will meet all of your and your partner's relationship needs?
Most people don't know how to do this. As a result, most relationships go through a predictable cycle:
=> Honeymoon: 1 week to 3 months
=> Struggle: Up to 3 years or more
=> Negotiation and peace or breakup
To avoid this cycle and establish a nourishing relationship for both of you, you and your partner need to have a deep, extended conversation. It may span many discussions, perhaps over weeks or even a month. The right time to initiate this conversation is when it's clear to both of you there is mutual interest and both of you are ready to go further. However, it is never too late to have this conversation, even if you have been together for years.
Cover the following topics in this conversation:
What you expect from each other, or from a "relationship partner," on the emotional, mental and everyday levels.
What actions, words and feelings each of you needs from the other, or from a "relationship partner," in order for both of you to thrive.
What you and your partner refuse to tolerate in a relationship and from a "relationship partner."
While having this conversation, it is important that you both listen to each other intently, frequently paraphrasing what the other person is saying.
You want to make sure there is mutual understanding. You both will want to reflect on what is being said by sharing your thoughts and feelings. However, under no circumstances do you want to react to each other or make each other wrong for what is being said. Remember that each of you has a right to your own view of what is needed and desired in a relationship.
If in the end you both decide you have enough in common to pursue the relationship further, you will need to negotiate how the relationship is actually conducted. You will need to agree, disagree or negotiate to uphold the verbalized parameters in your relationship.
I know this probably sounds very unromantic, almost artificial. But believe me, this is how the best relationships are created.
The two of you are much better off entering a relationship with your eyes open, knowing what is expected of you, what you can expect in return, what you can count on from your relationship.
This extended conversation allows for the absence of power struggle. It fosters harmony and ease of being together. It will give the two of you the rare opportunity to establish deep intimacy.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
Copyright 1998-01, all rights reserved. You may copy or distribute the Relationship Coach Newsletter, so long as this copyright notice and full information about contacting the author are attached. The author is: Coach Rinatta Paries.
Contact her at: mailto:Coach@WhatItTakes.com, or at 888-215-6033. Rinatta Paries
Relationship Coach
www.WhatItTakes.com

(Geared towards the men)
Ok men, so you want to know what women really want? Well, I can't speak for every woman out there, but for the majority of us, its quite unified. I hear women talking about men all the time- in the women's bathroom, the gym, on girl's night out, at work, and of course family and friends complaints. In the line of work I have been in, I have heard a ton of sob stories from women about their men. But along with that negativity, I also hear them talk about what's been working for the men as well! I have broken this page up in colored sections that you can read a bit at a time, so that you don't overwhelm yourself with all of this. I know its a lot to take in, so take it slow. I ask all who read this to remember to keep an open mind and to take it one step at a time. As they say, "Rome wasn't built in a day", and neither is your love life. Test out a few of these at a time and remember, some may not work the first time around, and some will just not fit the partner you are with. If it doesn't fit after a few tries, then just simply tuck it away for a later time, if one arises. So are you ready to hear it? Ok, Ok, keep your shorts on!!
Alright then, with that in mind, here you go...
9 romantic gestures that'll knock her socks off
Need a smooth idea for seducing your sweetie? Try one of these 9 easy romantic gestures:
~MSN Dating
1. Read to her
A female's brain is an important erogenous zone, so spend some time turning it on by reading to her. It may seem mundane, but a book club for two is intimate and sweet, especially if you find a novel she loves.
2. Make breakfast in bed
Romance is about lying about and eating grapes, not bounding out of bed each day on a tear to be productive. So get some grapes, some mimosas, a couple croissants and make a plan to spill on the sheets. Listen to talk radio and cuddle until the early afternoon.
3. Plan a surprise trip to a nearby destination
Women loved to be whisked away on a romantic overnight, even if it's to the next town. Book a hotel room, grab some wine, and pick out a collection of brochures for local tourist-traps. You'll giggle and roll your eyes and have a ball.
4. Send her a handwritten note
We're so used to getting junk and bills in our mailboxes these days that a real letter is a significant pleasure. Skip the short e-mails and pretend you're a 19th century aristocrat with time on his hands. Write an ode to her beauty or describe a fond memory.
5. Design a sexy scavenger hunt
Bring some adventure into her life with a creative scavenger hunt that sends her all over the house, neighborhood, or town. If you want to really impress, make each clue a cheesy poem. The destination for your scavenger hunt? Perhaps a fancy dinner or a yummy picnic.
6. Make her life easier
Sometimes the most appreciated romantic gesture in the world is something as simple as doing the laundry or picking up some much needed groceries. If your girlfriend is having a crazy week at work, she will swoon when you run a vacuum cleaner for her. These days, our knights-in-shining-armor don't have to slay dragons…but it would be great if they could get our oil changed.
7. Set it to music
Even if serenading isn't your strong suit, you can make her smile by dancing with her or putting together a collection of her favorite music. The "mixed tape" idea might remind her of middle school, but if you do a good job she'll love it.
8. Open a spa just for her
Pamper your lady with a skillful massage and foot rub or brush her hair with a soft comb. Have a bubble bath ready for her and some freshly washed towels. All the day's stress will wash down the drain in no time.
9. Go public with your love
No, we're not talking about a football game jumbo-tron declaration, but showing up at her workplace with flowers or posting a series of sweet signs on the route of her morning run would surely surprise and impress her. By taking your romantic sentiments public, you show her that you want the world to know she's the one for you. Now that's a powerful aphrodisiac.

9/20/04-The following article was written by a man who evidently has this game down pat. He impressed me so much that I felt compelled to showcase his article here on my romance page. I can't argue! Please read! But please remember that it can go for all you boyfriends out there too.
10 Tips to Being a Better Husband (or Partner)- Simple secrets to keeping her happy By: Hugh O'Neill
I am the best husband in the world.
If my wife were to read this, she'd fall to the floor, convulsed in laughter, and then gasp something about my "dazzling lack of self-knowledge." But no matter. I wear her ignorance of my excellence as a badge of honor. The best performers inhabit their roles-you never catch them acting.
I wasn't always a paragon. In my early years, I was a journeyman at best. In '88, I treated a precious marital secret as though it were the score of a Bulls game. And back in '96, there was a New Year's Eve kiss with our neighbor that probably should have been more perfunctory, less probing. But over the past decade, inch by inch, I've mastered the gig, and for the past few years, I've been locked in. I can see the seams on every chance to love, honor, and cherish.
I don't know how I got so good at this. As a kid, I had a front-row seat on my father's version of husband, which, at least according to my mother, was a star turn. And as a grown man, I've watched my father-in-law dazzle his sidekick of 53 years. But I have no formal credentials, and the only marriage counseling I ever got, from the rabbi the day before my wedding, amounted to, "A Catholic and a Jew? Don't bother. Cancel the wedding and save on the divorce." My only qualification? I've been a husband for a long time-24 years according to the state of Pennsylvania, over 30 by common-law count-and, fortunately for you, I've made many, many mistakes from which you are about to learn.
Will you ever be as great a husband as I am? Not likely. By now, I'm the gold standard. But you can do better, my brother. (And that's true for you unmarried guys, too: If you're with her, you can learn to be with her better.) I've condensed my wisdom into some guiding thoughts and tricks of the togetherness trade. Think of them as batting tips from Barry Bonds. Stash them in a part of your brain that guides your behavior, and two good things will happen: She'll get the partner she deserves, and you'll get the satisfaction and, oh yeah, the sex of which you dream.
No. 1 - Kill never and always
When you and Lucy argue, don't use either of these two words. First of all, they're not technically accurate. It's not true that she never wears the cheerleader skirt; you got some boolah-boolah on your birthday. But, more important, they're gas-on-the-fire words. Instead of these indicting adverbs, use ameliorative words and phrases, like sometimes or I feel or I wish.
Darn right they're soft, but guess what? The best husbands actually are a skosh more sensitive to their wives' feelings than your average brute of a mate is. By the way, the words never and always are great when you're complimenting her, as in, "You never fail to amaze me" or "I always enjoy reaching under your blouse."
No. 2 - Work the reunions
You come though the door tired, maybe distracted about something at work. You riffle though the mail, ask her a routine how-was-your-day question, and give her a pro forma kiss. But let's face it, you don't really focus on her, do you? She gets only a sliver of your attention. Not good enough.
Don't panic. I'm not about to suggest in-the-moment mindfulness. Men can't be "in" every moment. The secret is to "husband" your limited supply of attention, save it for deployment at pivotal times. Think like John McEnroe, who would occasionally tank a forsaken fourth set, saving his strength for the pivotal fifth. Your key moments are the reunions. Take a few seconds and resolve to be fully tuned-in during each come-together moment. You can do it. Trust me, if I can, you can.
Here's the plain truth: For all the habituation of marriage, all the erosions that come with familiarity, a link between a man and a woman is also instantly renewable in a momentary locked-on gaze. For just a beat, maybe two, claim her with your eyeballs. Look at her in a way that says, "I'm glad to be home, back in our powerful secret." This kind of subtle but daily maintenance keeps the engine thrumming.
No. 3 - Laugh at her
Among the most affirming things one person can do for another is to laugh at the other's attempts at humor. Lots of husbands, over time, forget this salute. What's that you say? Your wife isn't funny? So what? Neither is your dolt of a boss, but you laugh at his lame attempts. Why? Because you're trying to prove you respect him. Bingo!
One of the biggest dangers mature marriages face is that Homer and Marge stop trying to demonstrate their respect for each other. Laughter is tonic for a woman's woes. Keep it on display.
No. 4 Make the lion's roar
Describing his important role during World War II, Winston Churchill once remarked that though he was no lion, it had fallen to him to make the lion's roar. Every now and then, husbands have to get fierce, defiant on behalf of their team.
It won't happen often, but when you are in a confrontational situation, where reason and soft words have failed-a dispute with a teacher, a vendor, a bill collector, your neighbor, your mother-be prepared to bark in unambiguous defense of your family. Don't shrink from this obligation. Your wife's regard for you will shrink if you do.
No. 5 - Be a little lamblike, too
Yes, this contradicts the carnivorous idea above, but a husband is versatile: He can hammer the tee ball and feather the wedge. Softness and kindness and tenderness and all those traits that ain't much use in the marketplace are pure gold when it comes to being a husband.
A good husband relies on his wife, va